Sometimes in unexpected moments, I get ideas for texts, for advice for you or just observations on a certain topic. This was also the case this time, as families, wanting or not, are now closer together, tighter, for a long time, with difficult access to safety valves in the form of gyms, cafes, visits, meetings and even walks.
This was also the case this time. I wrote in points what I want to tell you, but where I wrote – I will probably find out by chance in seven months. The notes have disappeared. I don’t know where I wrote it. I don’t even remember if I wrote them with a pen or on the screen. So now I’m creating from scratch.
Let it be an introduction that for a year or two I may especially appreciate, love, pamper and bite into the sphere of sexes, family and lifelong marriage of one woman with one man, which is less and less explored in today’s culture.
So how do you survive with your Only, with your Knight, the one you loved, longed for, loved, the one you’ve chosen and missed, when he didn’t write back for three minutes, or when after the weekend the work separated you for ten hours? How to live now so that you won’t kill this guy or shoot yourself or show an ugly example to your kids?
I will speak now a bit as an expert in the field of relationships. After all, with 9+ years of marriage, I probably beat half the people of my generation today. I would like to add that Husband and I also had longer periods of work at absolutely flexible (meaning abnormal) times, being together, side by side for a long time, in ups and downs, and in one space, at work at home with two kids from the newborn age to a year and three years. (I do not recommend).
1 | Do not complain. Praise.
Do not be this nagging wife. We know stress has negative effects, grumbling causes excessive wrinkles, and anger is harmful for beauty. You are a team. Life is sometimes not a pink cloud, so at least at home, with your closest, apparently beloved person, do not arrange arguments.
Try, as an experiment, not to tell your husband what he is doing wrong (neither to him nor other people). For a week. Whatever it is (I’m not talking about pathology here), leave it. Unless these are the famous socks – in this case, you can pick them up, and yes, throw them calmly in the laundry basket.
How many years did I need to understand that our other half is not a photocopy of our self, just in the opposite sex! He is a completely separate person and we will never agree on everything, think equally, evaluate events, issues and even the importance of things equally. He doesn’t think, he doesn’t have to think and he will never think exactly like me, perceive everything as I do, recognize the rightness of what I think is right at the moment (wash the kids but right now and in exactly the way I think is right).
So leave misunderstandings and his bad behavior. At least experimentally for a week.
Even if you believe in poetic romantic love, notice that you are separate beings. You are different.
Instead of complaining, praise. Experimentally, forcibly do not notice the scattered crumbs, socks, disorganization and what else, but forcibly notice that he did something right, that he did it at all, that he has nice character, habits, way of thinking, that he is there, next to you!
2 | Don’t expect.
This point is a bitter bitterness, but you may know better than holding your head in the clouds, and then suddenly hit the concrete with your face. I fell and lay on this concrete for a long time, so I learned a little. Unfortunately, even from close ones, or rather from situations involving people, even those close, I learned the simple and subtle as a baseball bat truth about life: you can count, count on yourself. You can only be sure that this will be done what you will do. If you make your bed, you will get good sleep. And so on.
Stop expecting too much from your husband. Since, as we said in the point above, you attach different importance to different matters, because you are not your photocopies in different bodies, accept the reality. Perhaps he does not even notice the matter, which for you is very important.
Talk, communicate your needs, get along, it’s clear. But in places where you see that you can’t do anything without resorting to methods you don’t want to resort to, let go. Do it yourself. Or accept that something will not be done your way.
3 | Be perfect.
Whatever I would say in the first two points, our subconscious, trained on romantic comedies and tragedies from school readings to Leonardo di Caprio, will be expecting. That he would be a Knight according to our definition of a knight. And the reality is that… He also expects.
So if you demand, demand from yourself first.
Well, be perfect. Do your best. Find out what he cares about and do it, and do it his way.
Searching for his real expectations, you can also pick out the spheres in which you did a lot for him, and when you look at it, you will see that he does not care about it. If this matter is rather indifferent to you, just let it go. It can be about nail or ear painting, the level of cleaning some part of the house or the frequency of washing your kids. And you have less work!
4 | Share your responsibilities, but not necessarily as you think.
I am a huge, HUGE supporter of complementing each other, supporting and playing to one goal, not competing. At least in marriage, although it’s interesting if it could be used, for example, in business, in society in general.
We can complement each other when I do the left and he does the right when I do in the morning, he in the evening. When we both get on each other in the morning, applying the same butter to the same slices of bread using the same knife, it is already competition, not free complementing each other.
I am an advocate of sharing responsibilities, meaning spheres of action. I don’t love sharing the same responsibilities on different days, that each one cooks on their assigned days, that he vacuums on Tuesdays, and you on Saturdays and you take turns shopping. I don’t love it because I haven’t noticed it working for anyone.
It is much better to divide spheres of action between the two of you. For example, you are responsible for the condition of the floors, and your husband for evening washing and dressing of kids. Every day of the week, every week and month.
You avoid these quarrels that on Tuesdays he was cleaning the floors, you are washing on Saturdays, and it is Wednesday and it’s dirty. Is it dirty from Tuesday or is it new Wednesday dirt – and if so, then what? And yes, it is an absolute little thing. And yet it can evoke emotions. And if you have a few dozens of such little things every day?
Also, consider that everyone has different standards and methods. Everyone will wash the floor differently and there will be a talk about how it needs to be done and why you are doing it worse.
How much calmer it is when the floor is yours. You are planning to wash it on Tuesdays, but if it’s clean… You can have more free time on Tuesday. And if something spills, gets stuck – you don’t go to bid with your husband who should clean it, you just wash it off. And he does one hundred percent on his plot.
And how much more efficient and better is shopping (put here any other chore) when one person is responsible for it! Oh, I know that. Look, moreover, at your family and your distant or any other family, to whose daily life you have some insight. When one person is responsible for something, they finally begin to develop systems to make it easier for them, and at the same time that the effect is as it should. For me, this is what happened with shopping, and I’m in it seven billion light-years before spontaneous people hoping that it’s not their turn today.
Of course, we still have five hundred areas of activity in which it is as it is, not perfectly, not divine. Life.
It is also the point where you can use your natural gender predispositions. Because they do exist! Well, a man will not breastfeed, and a woman will never run a marathon like men. Some obvious facts: the man has stronger arm muscles, the woman has more empathy, the ability to understand other people. Slightly less obvious: a man has more resistance to stress, a woman sees more widely (in the fridge and in the cupboards!). Even more hardcore (from the point of view of our culture only, because for the majority of today’s and in old time’s cultures it is obvious as two and two make four): a man will withstand more physical work and competition at work, a woman is a master in taking care of the offspring and the harbor called Home.
5 | Quieter, woman. Let it go.
I know that you were brought up by feminism, I know that #girlpower and #girlboss, but from time to time get a healthy perspective. Set aside I deserve it, I can, because I want. See that he is also human. Not worse than you. He is not your slave or servant or villain or competition, nor do you give him the grace that you are with him. Respect yourself, but also respect other people. And if you dressed in white for a church wedding then remember words like a servant (sounds bad today, doesn’t it?).
The word service may pinch, but a week without complaining about your husband, but with praise and appreciation is what you can materialize!
- How to grocery shop smarter so you don’t have to be shopping every other day (great system + printable shopping lists)
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